Tired of Asking Your Teen About Missing Homework? Let's Break the Cycle!

As parents of teens, we've all been there... our child missed an assignment and that zero in the gradebook is haunting us! We understand how important it is that they make it up - both for their learning and their grade. 

It's a competitive academic landscape. If our child is in middle school, we worry about them being prepared for high school (cue the "they won't let you get away with that in high school" speech). If they're in high school, we panic about what a low grade in the class could mean for their college prospects and, thus, their future opportunities. We agonize about whether they'll be ready for college and life if they can't even turn in their history assignment (cue the "no boss will let you turn in your work late... you can't do that in the real world" speech). 

We ask our child about the assignment and they respond with "oh, yeah, I was going to ask my teacher about that. I'll do it tomorrow." But tomorrow comes and when you check in, they reply "I forgot" or "the teacher wasn't there today" or "they were busy at the end of class." The list of excuses goes on. And on. And on. For days. Each day you ask and each day you get a new excuse. 

While you're thinking "why can't they just do this one very small thing? Don't they understand how important it is?" your child is thinking "why are they making such a huge deal out of this? It's just a small assignment. My parent is so dramatic... they just don't get it." You're at your wits end. They're frustrated with you. 

This cycle isn't working! 

Here's a simple 4-step approach to break the cycle: 

1. State the expectation or non-negotiable (and include a deadline). 

2. Give your child choice and agency in the process.

3. State the consequence for not meeting the expectation.

4. Leave them alone. Let them choose how to handle it. 

Here's an example of how this might work. Grace has a missing English assignment. Her dad, Todd, has asked her about the assignment numerous times and Grace continues to assure him that she'll handle it. But she hasn't yet and Todd realizes this cycle isn't working. So, instead, after dinner on Wednesday night, Todd calmly says, "Grace, here's how I'd like to handle the English assignment. The expectation is that you get it done and submitted by Monday. You can choose how you're going to do that. You can complete the assignment and email it to your teacher by Monday. You can email your teacher now and set up a time to discuss it with him tomorrow or Friday so you can complete it over the weekend. You can speak with your teacher about the assignment at school tomorrow or Friday and submit it by Monday in person. You can figure out your own plan - you choose how you'd like to go about it. But I'll need to see evidence by Monday that you completed it. You can decide how to do that. If you don't show me evidence by Monday, you'll have to miss dance practice Monday evening to work on the assignment. I really hope you choose to get it done by Monday since I don't want you to miss dance. But it's your decision. If you need any help emailing your teacher or have questions about the assignment, I'm happy to help you." Then Todd walks away. Todd does not mention the assignment again. Much to Todd's delight, on Friday afternoon, he is copied on an email from Grace to her teacher with the missing assignment attached. 

For those of you thinking, "my child still won't get it done," you may be right. But you need to give them the opportunity and they need to experience the consequence. Here's an alternative ending to Grace and Todd's story. Monday evening comes and Grace has not completed the assignment. Todd calmly says to her "I'm really sorry you weren't able to complete the missing English assignment. We won't be taking you to dance today. Please set up here at the kitchen table and get the work done now. Let me know if you need any help. You'll continue to miss dance until you've submitted the assignment and shown me evidence that it's done." Grace protests "I can't believe you! This is so unfair! How can you make me miss dance over this one stupid assignment? I hate you!" Todd says calmly "I'm sorry you made this choice. I understand that you're upset. I suggest you get to work so you don't have to miss anymore days of dance. I'm here if you need help." Then Todd walks away. The key here is that Todd does not engage in an argument or power struggle. He remains calm. He does not get sucked in by Grace's emotional response. He treats Grace with love and speaks respectfully and calmly, but he also maintains the expectation and upholds the consequence. 

The keys here are that the expectation is clear, the consequence is clear, and the teen has choice. They may choose do the assignment. They may not. If they don't, you'll need to enforce the consequence and they'll need to accept the consequence. But here is the final key... you have to remain unemotional. Even if you're frustrated, keep your cool. Once your teen understands where the boundary is and knows you mean what you say, they will often work to stay within it. 

This approach empowers your teen to take control of the situation and breaks the cycle of confrontation about the same thing with the same outcomes. Continuous battles about homework (or other things) will erode your relationship with your teen. 

For some parents and teens, this cycle or power struggle has been going on for a while. In that case, it may take more time and a bit more support to break into a new pattern. If you find you and your teen could use help breaking the cycle of nagging, frustration, and battling about school work, grades, social life, or other choices, reach out! I'm here to help you break those cycles, empower your teen to take control, and free you up to focus on building a healthy, lasting relationship! 

Please share this message with anyone who may be able to relate. Follow @thriveconsultandcoach on Instagram to keep up with this and other parent-related content. 

Together, let's thrive!

Jenell